


Things Meryl is No Longer Allowed to Do...

by ComeAsYouAre



Series: For Want of a Thesis [2]
Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:36:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8353585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComeAsYouAre/pseuds/ComeAsYouAre
Summary: What it says on the tin.





	1. ... in Winterhold

**Author's Note:**

> Original Request:
> 
> "Sorry, but there are few joys in life like the noodle incident. Tell us what your Dragonborns flat out aren't [or shouldn't be] allowed to do anymore. Even just a few random listings without explanation are welcome! Dragonborn from Nirn or Earth welcome!
> 
> I welcome EVERYTHING."
> 
> Originally posted here:  
> http://skyrimkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4580.html?thread=10247396#t10247396

1) I am not to make eyes at Kai Wet-Pommel.  
\- Nor comment on his attire.  
\- Nor any other any other indication, vocal or otherwise, of approval.  
\---- Corollary: That goes for disapproval, too.

2) I am not to outfit the Winterhold Guards with Restoration scrolls to spite Jarl Korir.  
\- Even if they are useful.  
\- Not even if they’re for free.  
Addendum: I am not to have the supply of Healing potions dry up, in order to force said guards to use the aforementioned scrolls.

3) I am not to goad Thaena into buying everything at Birna’s Oddments.  
\- Even if that’s the only useful thing the hateful woman can do with that money.

4) I am not allowed to tell Jarl Korir that he is a “self-entitled prat”  
\- Nor am I to tell him that his ancestor may not have been so great.  
\---- Even if the war HE started cost Skyrim several major provinces.  
\---- And that NO ONE will respect the helm of a TWICE denied wannabe High King.  
\- Nor am I tell him to “get off his hairy butt” and rebuild his stupid Hold.  
\---- Even if it’s true.

5) Assur has already learned his lesson about racism, and does not need further lessons on the subject.  
\- Nor does he need lessons on the benefits of magic.  
\---- Even if magic is awesome.  
\---- Even if it is useful.  
\---- ESPECIALLY not if it is funny.  
\- Nor am I to educate him on the fundamentals of “science”  
\---- Especially not about the applications of elementary ballistics.  
\---- ESPECIALLY not the fundamentals of “pyrotechnics”  
\- And I am ABSOLUTELY NOT to encourage him to practice EITHER path of study on Malur Seloth.  
\---- Even if he deserves it.

6) While Dagur and Haran appreciate the business that the “Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race” has brought them, I am not allowed to host any more races until I’ve built a place to keep all those dogs.  
\- Yes, SEPARATELY from The Frozen Hearth.  
\- And no, they do NOT want to know what “Iditarod” means.  
\---- Even though I swear I didn’t make it up.

7) I am not allowed to "encourage" Nirya.

8) I am not allowed to "encourage" Faralda.

9) I am not allowed to injure students or staff, directly and otherwise, so that Colette may provide a practical demonstration on the validity of her field of study.

10) I am not allowed to discuss potential business opportunities on campus grounds with Enthir.  
\- Especially if they involve Nelacar.

11) I am not allowed to give Urag gro-Shub creative license in punishing students for the mistreatment of books.

12) Nor am I allowed to show Urag gro-Shub the Elder Scrolls before deciding that the College isn’t secure enough.

13) I am not allowed to attach noisemakers to Tolfdir’s alembic.  
\- Even if they ARE useful.  
\- Even if he asks me to.  
\- Nor any of his other possessions.  
Corollary: Nor anyone else’s possessions.

14) I am not allowed to modify the orders for Sergius’ enchanting services.  
\- Even if I think they need a “better” enchantment.  
\- Especially if they didn’t even order one.  
\- Especially if I don’t like them.  
\- ESPECIALLY if I think it’s funny.

15) I am not allowed to have a conjurer’s battle with Phinis Gestor á la “Pokémon”  
\- Nor “Digimon”  
\- Nor “Yu-Gi-Oh”  
\- Nor “Magic the Gathering”  
\- Nor anything by “Wizards of the Coast” or “Paizo”

16) I am not allowed to have Onmund take notes for me during lectures.  
\- Even if he insists he doesn’t mind.  
\- Even if he insists he owes me.  
\- Even if he asks me for help all the time.  
Corollary: Nor am I to ask anyone else.  
Addendum: Even if I’m the Archmage.

17) Rules regarding the scholar Arniel Gane:  
\- I am not allowed to call him a “stuffy academic”  
\---- Even if he is one.  
\---- Corollary: Nor am I allowed to refer to the other staff as such.  
\- Nor am I allowed to tease Mr Gane for needing help with his research.  
\---- Even if he needs it.  
\---- Especially if he asks for it.  
\---- Even if I’m actually helping him.  
Note: Teasing is NOT considered a form of “encouragement”!!!

Amendments to rule 17 in light of recent events:  
\- I am not to hold campus-wide vigils looking for him.  
\- Nor am I allowed to stage a “seance” to speak with him.  
\- Under NO circumstances I am allowed to leave his Shade unattended on campus grounds.  
\---- Even if he’s “guarding” my research.  
\---- ESPECIALLY not near his own research.

18) I am not allowed to give J’zargo’s early version of his Flame Cloak scroll to anyone.  
\- Even if it will further his studies.  
\- Even if they ask.  
\- Even if I think it’s useful.  
\- ESPECIALLY not if I think it’s funny.  
\- That goes double if it’s someone I don’t like.  
\---- Especially NOT Ancano. This has been amended due to an unfortunate incident involving the Psijic Order that is still under investigation. ~~May Auri-El take his soul and throw it into the fiery pits of Oblivion!~~  
\---- Especially not the Thalmor.  
\---- Nor any politicians.  
\---- Nor any merchants.  
\-------- Even if I think they’re slimy cheats.  
Corollary: Nor am I to distribute any of his other incomplete experiments.

19) I am not allowed to encourage Brelyna to experiment on other students.  
\- Even if it helps her practice.  
\- Even if it teaches other students to defend themselves.  
\- Especially if I think it’s entertaining.  
\- Even if I’ve volunteered, already.  
\- Even if it’s “for science”  
\- Even if I’m the Archmage.  
Corollary: Nor am I to encourage any other students to experiment on each other.  
\---- Even if they want to.  
\---- ESPECIALLY not experiments of the “Alternatively Educational” variety.  
Addendum: ALL OF THE ABOVE APPLIES TO STAFF SUGGESTIONS AS WELL.


	2. Memorandum to the Residents of the Capital of Winterhold and the College

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the College questline

It is STRONGLY advised that when speaking to the new Archmage of the College of Winterhold, that you do NOT mention the following names without sufficient cause or relation: Savos Aren, Mirabelle, and Ancano. Doing so may result in an untimely visit to your local healer or Hall of the Dead. 

Caution should also be exercised when bringing up the subject of the Psijic Order, since the Archmage may react positively or negatively, in no discernable pattern. Please note that both reactions have been known to be extreme.


End file.
